I think my depression is lifting finally. I spent two nights in hospital last week and I think I needed them to take a step back from the situation I am in and get some deep sleep (which I got thanks to the help of Seroquel). I was surprised to be admitted but on the whole, I think I needed it. I felt less flat two days later. One of the things that doesn’t help when it comes to depression is to have nothing to do. And when you have something to do, you don’t feel like doing it! That has happened with me and reading. I haven’t felt like reading anything lately. I have craft to do – I make Japanese braids called Kumihimo - but it is hard to work up the enthusiasm that I used to have for it. I hope to feel differently about university and the assignments that go with it. Feeling depressed while at uni can’t be good at all.
I start back at university on the 15th of February. I only have one reader to get and then I am set to start. I bought some new lecture notebooks, a new pencil case and some new pens and a new bag to carry everything in. My old bag was starting to come apart on the inside. Not good to be carrying books and then they suddenly all fall out when the bag rips all the way through!
I have sorted things out with my family and it feels good that all is well now. But with GA, all is still up in the air. We have accepted that we may split up. This doesn’t mean divorce. It just means that we will go out separate ways for a while. Hopefully this will help us figure out what we both really want.
This is all I can think of to write for now.
…I feel quite depressed. 2009 was a horrible year – it included injuries, stress at uni, marriage problems and family problems.
I broke a rib and chipped a tooth while messing around with GA (my husband). How is that for teaching me not to mess around. Although I didn’t know I had broken a rib until the following week when I had increasing trouble with my schoolbag and stairs at uni. Th university doctor confirmed what I had done.
Stress at uni was a given and I expected it. However, given the other problems, I became a master procrastinator and handed in one of my assignments half an hour late and I lost 15% for it. I hope I have learnt my lesson from this so I can do better this year.
The marriage problems and family problems are linked and the family problems are pretty much all my fault. See, GA started to talk about transgender issues late in 2008 while I was completing my Ontrack course to get into uni. It was a shock to me because although he had spoken of thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl when we first met, he said they were just thoughts and trangender wasn’t part of his life any more. So I forgot about it. We got married and I could not have been happier. The odd thing was, I fell more in love with GA after we got married. That alone is hard for me to name because I don’t understand feelings all that much. I just know this is true.
I was shocked (and still am) at the intensity of GA’s feelings about wanting to change genders. I am not attracted to girls at all. And he wants to be one?! Right now GA is taking anti-androgens. If he starts taking oestrogen, I don’t know how I will cope.
I did not tell anyone (apart from my psychologist) about GA’s decision until recently. I felt that telling my parents would bring me relief from holding this information inside and it did at first because I was told I am supported. However, GA is not supported. I honestly understand where my family is coming from on this, but GA is a huge part of my life and I love him like I haven’t loved anyone else.
We have had a few money problems – I think due to our inept budgeting – so we couldn’t afford Christmas presents for 2009 but GA was insistent we buy for his family and so we did. I agreed to this. I love to buy presents for everyone but as I couldn’t this Christmas, I felt humiliated and avoidant. I was told that everyone in my family understood but I was still so embarrassed and I still am. I couldn’t cope with this and GA not being welcome to the family gathering so I did not take part in anything. Then I was asked if I am cutting myself off from the family on purpose but honestly I am not. It’s just that I don’t like attention being drawn to me and and now here is an abundance of it. I don’t know how to deal with attention as I have spent most of my life trying to avoid it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t seen my parents since last week. 
I have seen my doctor and was told I would receive a call from the local mental health services but I haven’t. How is that for losing? I will go to seek help from there myself this coming week as I really need some coping strategies.
I am posting this comic below as it gave me a laugh about what reactions to depression can be like. The last panel is my favourite.
I finally got all my grades from university. There was some industrial action going on as the lecturers don’t get paid enough for the job they do, so our grades were not released until the day before yesterday.
I got a Pass for Research Methods, a Credit for Psychological Applications and a Distinction for Psychological Health & Wellbeing. Guess which was my favourite class? The one I got a P for. Seems ironic that the class I like the most is the one that I found the most difficult.
Can’t wait for next year, semester 1: Psychological Development, Abnormal Psychology and Drugs and Dependence.
Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human characteristics to non-human creatures and beings, phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts. Examples include animals and plants and forces of nature such as winds, rain or the sun depicted as creatures with human motivation able to reason and converse. The term derives from the combination of the Greek ἄνθρωπος (ánthrōpos), “human” and μορφή (morphē), “shape” or “form”.
Anthropomorphic animals are often used as mascots for sports teams or sporting events, often represented by humans in costumes. – Wikipedia.
I think I am one of these people who feel for objects even though I know that really they are not alive and don’t have feelings. Not for mascots, though, I know there are people inside the costumes.
I feel sorry for shopping trolleys left on the side of the road – they look lonely to me. When we put the air-cooler away for winter, I feel sorry for it because I think it will feel unwanted. I felt awful when I went to throw my old alarm clock out (the alarm doesn’t work any more) until my husband said to keep it for the spare room. I felt glad for my old alarm clock then.
I don’t have these feelings for clothes or food or shoes. Mostly for electrical objects – because electricity gives them life? – and for carelessly abandoned objects like the shopping trolleys and burnt out cars. People have abandoned these objects and I find it strange that they may think it is fun or that they don’t care at all in the first place.
I feel embarrassed even writing this but I know that other people do this as well, maybe not to the same extent, though.
Comments are very welcome.
I decided to make my own comic using the template I wrote of in the previous post. I decided on autism as the subject. First time ever using MS Paint. 
These pictures are now a meme on the internet – the last one in each panel, that is.
Rage Comics encourages people to make their own comics by using the site’s template and MS Paint. Pure works of art are the results.
I don’t like waiting but then I don’t know anyone who does.
I am waiting for:
- My unit grades from university. Then I can choose my unit subjects for next year.
- To get paid so I can buy my mum a cool birthday present.
- To get paid so I can buy new glasses frames for my Irlen lenses.
- To get paid so I can do a tiny amount of Christmas shopping.
- For Christmas to come so I can get over it quicker. Am I the only adult that feels very meltdownish because of the changes that happen over the Christmas period?
- For my husband to decide what he wants in life. A whole other story…
Here is a nice sparkly picture I found:
I had this list on my old blog and thought it only fair that it should be on my new one as well. Many people have seen this list already but for those who haven’t, here it is:
If you’re sick of hearing about all the “deficits” challenging people on the autism spectrum, join the club. But for every down side to autism, there seems to be a positive — an unusual trait that rarely appears among the “typical” community, but shines out among autistic folk. These plusses are well worth celebrating.
1. Autistic People Rarely Lie
We all claim to value the truth, but almost all of us tell little white lies. All, that is, except people on the autism spectrum. To them, truth is truth — and a good word from a person on the spectrum is the real deal.
2. People on the Autism Spectrum Live in the Moment
How often do typical people fail to notice what’s in front of their eyes because they’re distracted by social cues or random chitchat? People on the autism spectrum truely attend to the sensory input that surrounds them. Many have achieved the ideal of mindfulness.
3. People with Autism Rarely Judge Others
Who’s fatter? Richer? Smarter? For people on the autism spectrum, these distinctions hold much less importance than for typical folks. In fact, people on the spectrum often see through such surface appearances to discover the real person.
4. Autistic People are Passionate
Of course, not all autistic people are alike. But many are truly passionate about the things, ideas and people in their lives. How many “typical” people can say the same?
5. People with Autism Are Not Tied to Social Expectations
If you’ve ever bought a car, played a game or joined a club to fit in, you know how hard it is to be true to yourself. But for people with autism, social expectations can be honestly irrelevant. What matters is true liking, interest and passion — not keeping up with the Joneses.
6. People with Autism Have Terrific Memories
How often do typical people forget directions, or fail to take note of colors, names, and other details? People on the autism spectrum are often much more tuned in to details. They may have a much better memory than their typical peers for all kind of critical details.
7. Autistic People Are Less Materialistic
Of course, this is not universally true — but in general, people with autism are far less concerned with outward appearance than their typical peers. As a result, they worry less about brand names, hairstyles and other expensive but unimportant externals than most people do.
8. Autistic People Play Fewer Head Games
Who was that woman, and why were you looking at her? I know I TOLD you I didn’t mind if you went out, but why did you believe me? Most autistic people don’t play games like these — and they assume that you won’t either. It’s a refreshing and wonderful change from the Peyton Place emotional roller coaster that mars too many typical relationships!
9. Autistic People Have Fewer Hidden Agendas
Most of the time, if a person on the autism spectrum tells you what he wants — he is telling you what he wants. No need to beat around the bush, second guess, and hope you’re reading between the lines!
10. People with Autism Open New Doors for Neurotypicals
For some of us neurotypicals, having an autistic person in our lives has had a profound positive impact on our perceptions, beliefs and expectations.
Top Ten Terrific Traits of Autistic People by Lisa Jo Rudy.
Yes indeed. I had to see a psychiatrist for continuation of ADHD medication (dexamphetamine). I expected it to be a short visit – I have already been diagnosed and needed co-prescriber authorisation for my GP. Maybe a 10 minute visit. I was wrong, it lasted over an hour and I had a reassessment for ADHD. I had to answer a lot of questions, as did my husband (about me) and the psychiatrist looked through my school reports that I had brought along. It was very strange as I had not expected this to happen.
In the end, I got a prescription for two months of medication and another appointment was made for December. I don’t know exactly what that one will be about so I will update on it later.
I have read about people that have been diagnosed with ADHD and then later on (years later) with autism and they discount the ADHD diagnosis because the autism one fits better. I was diagnosed with ADHD two years before I was diagnosed with HFA and I have found that ADHD fits right alongside the HFA.
I remember when I first took ADHD medication that it had a really cool effect. Suddenly I found it easier to talk! It was as if my brain was sending what I wanted to say straight to my mouth instead of messing around with it a bit first to make sure I got confused and frustrated. The messages were clear, not full of interference. So of course I took advantage of this and started talking and talking and talking to anyone I could talk to! This included my family and what I was doing scared them and they blamed the medication. Well, they blamed right but not for the right reason, I think. It wasn’t as if I couldn’t stop myself from talking – I could, easily – but it was like I had been given a gift and I was behaving as if I only had it temporarily, getting as much use out of it as I could.
I guess I was just so excited about this new ability and I went a bit overboard in talking. Mainly by talking rubbish! Gradually the novelty of this wore off but I am still aware that talking is easier when I take my medication. It definitely helps when I have to take part in a class discussion or meet new people. When I don’t take the ADHD medication I really can’t be bothered talking a lot of the time, it is just too hard and I get frustrated and angry with myself. Especially so when my words come out all muddled and garbled. I used to be made fun of for it sometimes so I am still a bit self-conscious about it now when it happens.
I am not completely sure if this effect (the difficulty talking) is due to autism or ADHD. I have a feeling it is both because they are somewhat spliced together for me. I am truly glad that there is something that helps to make talking and other things a little easier in life.
My friend sent me these thoughts via email. I think she found them somewhere else. I shall add some of my thoughts to them…
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Sometimes I don’t even wait for them to finish. I just interrupt. Or start to daydream.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
It is even worse when the other person never forgets it and keeps bringing it up at awkward times.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I have turned 180 before and walked smack into someone. So maybe stopping is a good idea.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Indeed. If only I knew.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Haha, I have seen someone do this once.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America (and Australia) did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
This makes me feel old. But I do remember this. The adults were always busy so we figured things out ourselves.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Especially on autism forums.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
But if I liked it when I was younger then it makes it better if I like it all over again.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
I know this will happen when the new Star Trek dvd comes out. I will have to watch it alone.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Do two general folds and then roll it up. Or scrunch it up into a ball and shove in under something else in the linen cupboard. At the back where no one can see it.
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
And hope that none of your family or employers search your name on the internet.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
I do not do this! I don’t like texting much. Or mobile phones in general.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have not used it since high school. I write a lot at uni but it is all printing. Very messy printing.
Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
“Indeed” and “Acknowledged” always work.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
So I eat when I am bored.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
So what is street smart? Smart on the street?
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
This can get embarrassing, especially in class.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
What happened to maps? I have known someone to use something like MapQuest when they only needed to make three turns. I really wanted to say how stupid they were but I didn’t. They were driving me somewhere.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Even better, have it written on the grave. It would make cemeteries even more interesting.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
People do this? Why??
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
My husband would heartily agree.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
I don’t use Facebook but it can be really good for an in-depth stickybeaking.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
I have this weird thing where I feel really strange saying my own name. It just feels odd and it always has.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Except to devise the best way to not do anything productive.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
It was enough of a pain when they replaced videos.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Yes, it makes me want go back through the document to see if I did change anything without remembering I did it.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
My dressing gown is like this. I have worn it since I got it but I am scared it will just fall apart if I do anything to it. It is irrational, I know.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
Or going out looking and feeling rotten and seeing everyone I know.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I would rather look at my watch than at other people, though.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I also wonder if they feel satisfied when the see people slamming on the brakes when going past a speed camera.
Ah, that was fun.
