Infinite Diversities

I do receive a Disability Support Pension.

When I was younger, I used to get so frustrated at myself because I couldn’t do things the way I wanted. I wanted to blend in with others and appear “normal”. I wanted to be …anonymous? To observe how others were without drawing attention to myself. So I knew I was different. I didn’t know what it was, what I was doing wrong, or how to fix things. As a teenager, I hated myself. I wanted so much to be someone else, anyone but me. I used to hit my head against the wall as punishment, tire myself out doing this so I could go to sleep without thinking too much. In hindsight, I know that this was deep depression but back then I didn’t know how to name my feelings.

I have been asked, “Why didn’t you receive services when you were in school?” The reason for this: I started school in 1983 and finished in 1994/5. I finished school around the time that the DSM-IV was released. I did an environmental course as soon as I left school and realised I had trouble relating to all kinds of people, not just the others at school. Bullying at the adult level! I fantasised that some of the people in my course would meet a grisly, violent death. At end of this six month course I was barely verbal and full of rage.

I managed to get a job at a fast-food restaurant but only lasted three weeks – let go because I was not a “people person” and lacked a “cheerful disposition”. It was hard to be cheerful when I found speaking to customers was one thing, appearing cheerful was another, combining the two would be asking for something more than I could give at the time.

Then I started work at a mushroom farm. I was able to get that job because I was interviewed at the same time as my sister, she helped me. So I worked there for 9 years, too scared to go anywhere else because of the process of looking and applying for more jobs. I also hated being “the new person”. I had experienced this in school.

During this time I became aware of what I needed to “shelter” myself. Routines for everything – from getting ready for work to doing my weekly shopping. Only one thing would be planned if I were to go out – anymore than that and I would feel odd. I lived alone and it was how I preferred to be. I became aware of this, though, my isolation, lack of friends, lack of ability to sustain a relationship, saying no to social outings, etc. I became aware that this was not “normal”. I felt broken and lacked the knowledge to be able to do something about it.

I was diagnosed shortly after this realisation. I was on my way to regressing. I felt like such a mental case. Couldn’t work anymore, had to sell my flat, had to be supported by my family full-time.

I believe that I am recovering from that stage in my life. I know now that I have to look after myself in a way, to not burn out. To not break the way I did before. And for that, I need support.

Am I disabled? Yes. I have also gained abilities.