At the start of 2010…
…I feel quite depressed. 2009 was a horrible year – it included injuries, stress at uni, marriage problems and family problems.
I broke a rib and chipped a tooth while messing around with GA (my husband). How is that for teaching me not to mess around. Although I didn’t know I had broken a rib until the following week when I had increasing trouble with my schoolbag and stairs at uni. Th university doctor confirmed what I had done.
Stress at uni was a given and I expected it. However, given the other problems, I became a master procrastinator and handed in one of my assignments half an hour late and I lost 15% for it. I hope I have learnt my lesson from this so I can do better this year.
The marriage problems and family problems are linked and the family problems are pretty much all my fault. See, GA started to talk about transgender issues late in 2008 while I was completing my Ontrack course to get into uni. It was a shock to me because although he had spoken of thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl when we first met, he said they were just thoughts and trangender wasn’t part of his life any more. So I forgot about it. We got married and I could not have been happier. The odd thing was, I fell more in love with GA after we got married. That alone is hard for me to name because I don’t understand feelings all that much. I just know this is true.
I was shocked (and still am) at the intensity of GA’s feelings about wanting to change genders. I am not attracted to girls at all. And he wants to be one?! Right now GA is taking anti-androgens. If he starts taking oestrogen, I don’t know how I will cope.
I did not tell anyone (apart from my psychologist) about GA’s decision until recently. I felt that telling my parents would bring me relief from holding this information inside and it did at first because I was told I am supported. However, GA is not supported. I honestly understand where my family is coming from on this, but GA is a huge part of my life and I love him like I haven’t loved anyone else.
We have had a few money problems – I think due to our inept budgeting – so we couldn’t afford Christmas presents for 2009 but GA was insistent we buy for his family and so we did. I agreed to this. I love to buy presents for everyone but as I couldn’t this Christmas, I felt humiliated and avoidant. I was told that everyone in my family understood but I was still so embarrassed and I still am. I couldn’t cope with this and GA not being welcome to the family gathering so I did not take part in anything. Then I was asked if I am cutting myself off from the family on purpose but honestly I am not. It’s just that I don’t like attention being drawn to me and and now here is an abundance of it. I don’t know how to deal with attention as I have spent most of my life trying to avoid it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t seen my parents since last week. 
I have seen my doctor and was told I would receive a call from the local mental health services but I haven’t. How is that for losing? I will go to seek help from there myself this coming week as I really need some coping strategies.
I am posting this comic below as it gave me a laugh about what reactions to depression can be like. The last panel is my favourite.
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I had a cousin who married a woman and had a child, before he accepted that he was gay .They divorced, and his wife ended up remarrying…but never lost contact with Denny’s (my cousin’s) family. I think she always loved the person he was, not his sexual preference.
He was a very kind person.
So many things here. Basically I see the issues as:
Your depression
GA’s gender identity issues
How his feelings affect your marriage
Problems at school
Relations with your family
Any one of the above could fill hours of conversation. And it’s hard to sort things out from afar. But I would like to make a couple of observations.
[quote]The marriage problems and family problems are linked and the family problems are pretty much all my fault. …[/quote]
[quote]We have had a few money problems – I think due to our inept budgeting – so we couldn’t afford Christmas presents for 2009 but GA was insistent we buy for his family and so we did. [/quote]
I think you are wrong to blame your family problems as “pretty much all of my fault”. Family problems are rarely one person’s fault. “It takes two to tango”, as they say. And your second statement tells me that GA is being rather selfish, at least as far as Christmas gifting goes.
Given the state of the economy, there are many people out of work, and others with spotty employment and less than ideal personal economic circumstances. In other words, you are not alone in having economic troubles. But solid economic principles demand that extraneous spending (such as on presents) not be done during hard times. And fairness principles demand that both of your families be treated equally. That was just plain wrong for him to insist on buying for his family, on both counts.
GA will decide what he will decide, in regards his gender identity (in fact, it sounds like he’s already decided). As hard as it sounds, you need to try to not take this personally. His gender issues are his, not yours. No amount of you being a better person/wife will change his mind. You are not a failure if he decides he is actually female. I know that this is easier said than done, but you have to try.
Most marriages (as I’m sure you realize) don’t survive a change like this. That doesn’t mean your marriage was not a valid one, nor that GA did not (and indeed, does not still) love you. If your marriage ends there will be grief, but you will go on.
As to depression, I’d say your having normal reactions that anyone would have, given the circumstances. Once you get things squared away (one way or the other), things will get better on this front.
It is good that your family is standing by you. They will be a great strength to you. If you still feel bad about the presents and not spending time with them over the holidays, I would suggest writing them all a short note. Be frank with them. Tell them that you were embarrased regarding not having presents for them, that you were feeling down during the holidays because of your personal problems, and didn’t want to bring anyone else down during the holidays. I expect that they will not only understand, but will reach out to you. Accept their invitations, support, and help. It’s OK. It’s what families do.
I may be totally off with my observations (having no personal experience with you or any members of your family). But I wouldn’t be surprised to be pretty close.
Sending warm wishes and strength for the coming year.
Joe
Hi Rose,
I think I will always love GA for the person he is no matter his gender. But seeing him become a female would be more than I can handle. I am attracted to him as a man.
Hi Joe,
I agreed with GA on the gifting. His family lives very far away and we sent their presents to them. We had money set aside for my family but ended up spending it on food and other necessities.
The note writing is a great idea, I just have to decide exactly what to write.
Depression is a given for me at this time of year anyway. It is always chronic and I do see it lifting if I can sort things out.
Thank you both for your comments.