At the start of 2010…
…I feel quite depressed. 2009 was a horrible year – it included injuries, stress at uni, marriage problems and family problems.
I broke a rib and chipped a tooth while messing around with GA (my husband). How is that for teaching me not to mess around. Although I didn’t know I had broken a rib until the following week when I had increasing trouble with my schoolbag and stairs at uni. Th university doctor confirmed what I had done.
Stress at uni was a given and I expected it. However, given the other problems, I became a master procrastinator and handed in one of my assignments half an hour late and I lost 15% for it. I hope I have learnt my lesson from this so I can do better this year.
The marriage problems and family problems are linked and the family problems are pretty much all my fault. See, GA started to talk about transgender issues late in 2008 while I was completing my Ontrack course to get into uni. It was a shock to me because although he had spoken of thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl when we first met, he said they were just thoughts and trangender wasn’t part of his life any more. So I forgot about it. We got married and I could not have been happier. The odd thing was, I fell more in love with GA after we got married. That alone is hard for me to name because I don’t understand feelings all that much. I just know this is true.
I was shocked (and still am) at the intensity of GA’s feelings about wanting to change genders. I am not attracted to girls at all. And he wants to be one?! Right now GA is taking anti-androgens. If he starts taking oestrogen, I don’t know how I will cope.
I did not tell anyone (apart from my psychologist) about GA’s decision until recently. I felt that telling my parents would bring me relief from holding this information inside and it did at first because I was told I am supported. However, GA is not supported. I honestly understand where my family is coming from on this, but GA is a huge part of my life and I love him like I haven’t loved anyone else.
We have had a few money problems – I think due to our inept budgeting – so we couldn’t afford Christmas presents for 2009 but GA was insistent we buy for his family and so we did. I agreed to this. I love to buy presents for everyone but as I couldn’t this Christmas, I felt humiliated and avoidant. I was told that everyone in my family understood but I was still so embarrassed and I still am. I couldn’t cope with this and GA not being welcome to the family gathering so I did not take part in anything. Then I was asked if I am cutting myself off from the family on purpose but honestly I am not. It’s just that I don’t like attention being drawn to me and and now here is an abundance of it. I don’t know how to deal with attention as I have spent most of my life trying to avoid it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t seen my parents since last week. 
I have seen my doctor and was told I would receive a call from the local mental health services but I haven’t. How is that for losing? I will go to seek help from there myself this coming week as I really need some coping strategies.
I am posting this comic below as it gave me a laugh about what reactions to depression can be like. The last panel is my favourite.
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