I start back at university on the 15th of February. I only have one reader to get and then I am set to start. I bought some new lecture notebooks, a new pencil case and some new pens and a new bag to carry everything in. My old bag was starting to come apart on the inside. Not good to be carrying books and then they suddenly all fall out when the bag rips all the way through!

I have sorted things out with my family and it feels good that all is well now. But with GA, all is still up in the air. We have accepted that we may split up. This doesn’t mean divorce. It just means that we will go out separate ways for a while. Hopefully this will help us figure out what we both really want.

This is all I can think of to write for now.

]]> http://renaeden.galileoace.com/2010/01/23/depression-lifting/feed/ 5 http://renaeden.galileoace.com/2010/01/01/at-the-start-of-2010/ http://renaeden.galileoace.com/2010/01/01/at-the-start-of-2010/#comments Fri, 01 Jan 2010 04:29:37 +0000 renaeden http://renaeden.galileoace.com/?p=151 …I feel quite depressed. 2009 was a horrible year – it included injuries, stress at uni, marriage problems and family problems.

I broke a rib and chipped a tooth while messing around with GA (my husband). How is that for teaching me not to mess around. Although I didn’t know I had broken a rib until the following week when I had increasing trouble with my schoolbag and stairs at uni. Th university doctor confirmed what I had done.

Stress at uni was a given and I expected it. However, given the other problems, I became a master procrastinator and handed in one of my assignments half an hour late and I lost 15% for it. I hope I have learnt my lesson from this so I can do better this year.

The marriage problems and family problems are linked and the family problems are pretty much all my fault. See, GA started to talk about transgender issues late in 2008 while I was completing my Ontrack course  to get into uni. It was a shock to me because although he had spoken of thoughts about what it would be like to be a girl when we first met, he said they were just thoughts and trangender wasn’t part of his life any more. So I forgot about it. We got married and I could not have been happier. The odd thing was, I fell more in love with GA after we got married. That alone is hard for me to name because I don’t understand feelings all that much. I just know this is true.

I was shocked (and still am) at the intensity of GA’s feelings about wanting to change genders. I am not attracted to girls at all. And he wants to be one?! Right now GA is taking anti-androgens. If he starts taking oestrogen, I don’t know how I will cope.

I did not tell anyone (apart from my psychologist) about GA’s decision until recently. I felt that telling my parents would bring me relief from holding this information inside and it did at first because I was told I am supported. However, GA is not supported. I honestly understand where my family is coming from on this, but GA is a huge part of my life and I love him like I haven’t loved anyone else.

We have had a few money problems – I think due to our inept budgeting –  so we couldn’t afford Christmas presents for 2009 but GA was insistent we buy for his family and so we did. I agreed to this. I love to buy presents for everyone but as I couldn’t this Christmas, I felt humiliated and avoidant.  I was told that everyone in my family understood but I was still so embarrassed and I still am. I couldn’t cope with this and GA not being welcome to the family gathering so I did not take part in anything. Then I was asked if I am cutting myself off from the family on purpose but honestly I am not. It’s just that I don’t like attention being drawn to me and and now here is an abundance of it. I don’t know how to deal with attention as I have spent most of my life trying to avoid it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t seen my parents since last week.

I have seen my doctor and was told I would receive a call from the local mental health services but I haven’t. How is that for losing? I will go to seek help from there myself this coming week as I really need some coping strategies.

I am posting this comic below as it gave me a laugh about what reactions to depression can be like. The last panel is my favourite.

Wasted Talent

Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human characteristics to non-human creatures and beings, phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts. Examples include animals and plants and forces of nature such as winds, rain or the sun depicted as creatures with human motivation able to reason and converse. The term derives from the combination of the Greek ἄνθρωπος (ánthrōpos), “human” and μορφή (morphē), “shape” or “form”.

Anthropomorphic animals are often used as mascots for sports teams or sporting events, often represented by humans in costumes. – Wikipedia.

I think I am one of these people who feel for objects even though I know that really they are not alive and don’t have feelings. Not for mascots, though, I know there are people inside the costumes.

I feel sorry for shopping trolleys left on the side of the road – they look lonely to me. When we put the air-cooler away for winter, I feel sorry for it because I think it will feel unwanted. I felt awful when I went to throw my old alarm clock out (the alarm doesn’t work any more) until my husband said to keep it for the spare room. I felt glad for my old alarm clock then.

I don’t have these feelings for clothes or food or shoes. Mostly for electrical objects – because electricity gives them life? – and for carelessly abandoned objects like the shopping trolleys and burnt out cars. People have abandoned these objects and I find it strange that they may think it is fun or that they don’t care at all in the first place.

I feel embarrassed even writing this but I know that other people do this as well, maybe not to the same extent, though.

Comments are  very welcome.

I am waiting for:

• My unit grades from university. Then I can choose my unit subjects for next year.
• To get paid so I can buy my mum a cool birthday present.
• To get paid so I can buy new glasses frames for my Irlen lenses.
• To get paid so I can do a tiny amount of Christmas shopping.
• For Christmas to come so I can get over it quicker. Am I the only adult that feels very meltdownish because of the changes that happen over the Christmas period?
• For my husband to decide what he wants in life. A whole other story…

Here is a nice sparkly picture I found:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
It is even worse when the other person never forgets it and keeps bringing it up at awkward times.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I have turned 180 before and walked smack into someone. So maybe stopping is a good idea.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Indeed. If only I knew.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
Haha, I have seen someone do this once.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America (and Australia) did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
This makes me feel old. But I do remember this. The adults were always busy so we figured things out ourselves.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Especially on autism forums.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
But if I liked it when I was younger then it makes it better if I like it all over again.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
I know this will happen when the new Star Trek dvd comes out. I will have to watch it alone.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Do two general folds and then roll it up. Or scrunch it up into a ball and shove in under something else in the linen cupboard. At the back where no one can see it.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
And hope that none of your family or employers search your name on the internet.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
I do not do this! I don’t like texting much. Or mobile phones in general.

Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have not used it since high school. I write a lot at uni but it is all printing. Very messy printing.

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
“Indeed” and “Acknowledged” always work.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
So I eat when I am bored.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
So what is street smart? Smart on the street?

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
This can get embarrassing, especially in class.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
What happened to maps? I have known someone to use something like MapQuest when they only needed to make three turns. I really wanted to say how stupid they were but I didn’t. They were driving me somewhere.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Even better, have it written on the grave. It would make cemeteries even more interesting.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
People do this? Why??

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
My husband would heartily agree.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
I don’t use Facebook but it can be really good for an in-depth stickybeaking.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
I have this weird thing where I feel really strange saying my own name. It just feels odd and it always has.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Except to devise the best way to not do anything productive.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
It was enough of a pain when they replaced videos.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Yes, it makes me want go back through the document to see if I did change anything without remembering I did it.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
My dressing gown is like this. I have worn it since I got it but I am scared it will just fall apart if I do anything to it. It is irrational, I know.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
Or going out looking and feeling rotten and seeing everyone I know.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I would rather look at my watch than at other people, though.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I also wonder if they feel satisfied when the see people slamming on the brakes when going past a speed camera.

Ah, that was fun.

Then, the day before yesterday I fell over (I blame GA, heh) and hit my face on the edge of a table in the computer room. I chipped a front tooth almost in half, cut my bottom lip, bruised my shoulder and ribs, and scratched my glasses (it is on the left lens so my weak left eye doesn’t notice it). It was Sunday afternoon so GA waited until yesterday to call the dentist. He had to ring around to find one and he did – one just down the street a bit. I really appreciate that he rang so many people and got the appointment for me, I was too upset to be good for much.

So I had my tooth repaired. It required anaesthetic (it hurt, but it was a tolerable kind of hurt) which numbed my nose as well. It felt really odd. The dentist was really kind and I hope to see her again when I get a check-up. But I am kind of sad because I spent a load of money a few years ago having my teeth straightened. I was proud that my teeth were undamaged with only a few fillings. Seeing the damage after the fall was like a nightmare. I almost passed out when I saw it. I am thankful the damage is fixed now. I still have a lot of bruising on my bottom lip and a few of my top and bottom teeth are sensitive. It is a bit hard to bite my teeth properly together as it hurts. I am being careful when I eat.

One good thing as a result – I have been booked in to the dentist for a scale and clean which I have been meaning to do for ages but have just procrastinated about. I am pretty confident that it won’t hurt!

I am back to uni now (even as I type this ) and have a fair bit of work to catch up with. I am just glad the last week is over. It almost rivals May as being a bad event time!

You may have noticed that I have myself a Gravatar. It is an avatar like the sort you see when you make comments/posts in a forum, except that you can see it all over the internet when you make comments on someone’s blog and things like that. So instead of seeing a grey face shadowor random pattern made for unidentifiable people, you get to see a specific picture you chose to appear instead. Mine is of a red cog on a white background with white cogs. I like cogs and gears, it is sort of my personal theme.

Learning Styles Online

In other news…

I got two Credits and a Distinction for my units last semester. I have had over a month of free time and it has been really busy. I have been helping a friend with her market stall, catching up with family and generally doing what I didn’t have time to do while I was at uni and studying. Which involved watching a fair bit of tv.

I hope to be less busy for a while so I can make more posts here.