I remember the first depressive episode I ever had at age 17. It took about 4 months and it was over. It seems like you just wake up one day, and it’s gone. BUT, by the time I reached my mid-thirties, it seemed like it was there to stay. Nothing really lifted my mood enough to be out of it. Drug trials failed, keeping busy failed, exercise failed…I was living, but just not happy no matter what. It wasn’t until a crazy old doctor put me on a certain drug that I remembered what happiness was. It also cut my sex drive down to nil, but that’s worked out okay. I’d rather be happy than orgasmic…Did I say that?? Sorry…..

I hope you find happiness. Depression sucks, big time!

When the alarm goes off, I’ll bet you that you don’t want to stop reading. Least it has worked for me. It’s like when your stomach hurts and the last thing you want to think about is food. But you force yourself to eat some chicken noodle soup and the next thing you know your stomach feels better.

Hi Joe,
I agreed with GA on the gifting. His family lives very far away and we sent their presents to them. We had money set aside for my family but ended up spending it on food and other necessities.

The note writing is a great idea, I just have to decide exactly what to write.

Depression is a given for me at this time of year anyway. It is always chronic and I do see it lifting if I can sort things out.

Thank you both for your comments.

Your depression
GA’s gender identity issues
How his feelings affect your marriage
Problems at school
Relations with your family

Any one of the above could fill hours of conversation. And it’s hard to sort things out from afar. But I would like to make a couple of observations.

[quote]The marriage problems and family problems are linked and the family problems are pretty much all my fault. …[/quote]

[quote]We have had a few money problems – I think due to our inept budgeting – so we couldn’t afford Christmas presents for 2009 but GA was insistent we buy for his family and so we did. [/quote]

I think you are wrong to blame your family problems as “pretty much all of my fault”. Family problems are rarely one person’s fault. “It takes two to tango”, as they say. And your second statement tells me that GA is being rather selfish, at least as far as Christmas gifting goes.

Given the state of the economy, there are many people out of work, and others with spotty employment and less than ideal personal economic circumstances. In other words, you are not alone in having economic troubles. But solid economic principles demand that extraneous spending (such as on presents) not be done during hard times. And fairness principles demand that both of your families be treated equally. That was just plain wrong for him to insist on buying for his family, on both counts.

GA will decide what he will decide, in regards his gender identity (in fact, it sounds like he’s already decided). As hard as it sounds, you need to try to not take this personally. His gender issues are his, not yours. No amount of you being a better person/wife will change his mind. You are not a failure if he decides he is actually female. I know that this is easier said than done, but you have to try.

Most marriages (as I’m sure you realize) don’t survive a change like this. That doesn’t mean your marriage was not a valid one, nor that GA did not (and indeed, does not still) love you. If your marriage ends there will be grief, but you will go on.

As to depression, I’d say your having normal reactions that anyone would have, given the circumstances. Once you get things squared away (one way or the other), things will get better on this front.

It is good that your family is standing by you. They will be a great strength to you. If you still feel bad about the presents and not spending time with them over the holidays, I would suggest writing them all a short note. Be frank with them. Tell them that you were embarrased regarding not having presents for them, that you were feeling down during the holidays because of your personal problems, and didn’t want to bring anyone else down during the holidays. I expect that they will not only understand, but will reach out to you. Accept their invitations, support, and help. It’s OK. It’s what families do.

I may be totally off with my observations (having no personal experience with you or any members of your family). But I wouldn’t be surprised to be pretty close.

Sending warm wishes and strength for the coming year.

Joe

He was a very kind person.

I do believe you are the only person I have told this who hasn’t thought I was crazy. For that I am quite glad.

Hi David,
Thanks to you, too! Thanks for your advice, it is valuable to me because I look for good advice everywhere. I think I am looking forward to Drugs and Dependence the most as it is something I know very little about.
I also think you are right about the MBTI because not everyone can fit into one of those types even though apparently they can. There must be some who score in the middle of all four scores.

“I usually get INTJ”

I’m basically that as well.

But there are problems with the MBTI because of the forced choice item coding… this is inherent in any test that has such a coding, not just the MBTI; but there you can see (since it ties in with your research methods field of knowledge) the impact of affect on test results.